Lifelong friends, I’m discovering, are rare and are rarely lifelong. In a pretty not fun way, I had a relationship dissolve and it placed a lot of hurt and feelings of inadequacies in my way. It made me question who I am as a person, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend…a, a, a. And I have realized recently again and again that I’m the person getting in my own way here. There is much letting go that needs to happen here, and I have been horrible about holding on. I wanted/want to hold onto the hurt in a way to remind myself that it was a friendship that I valued, trusted and put faith into. And in a way I hold on to it as a reminder that perhaps I shouldn’t let others in. Which is funny in itself, I am pretty guarded about stuff in real life. Trust me, I do a great job of letting you in, to an extent and then I feel the need to remain self-sufficient. I have a desire to remain a solitary unit.
At the end of everything I need to forgive and accept. Accept being the key here. I need to understand that forgiving has to not only happen for the other party but primarily for myself.
I hear my father’s lesson to me in my head here. He said once when I was going through a patch that friends and friendships are like ATM’s. You need to make good deposits before you can take withdraws. I think with those I love I make pretty consistent deposits.
I guess the lesson is to live and learn and breathe and move on…. I guess.